she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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