I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
