Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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