i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
