i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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