Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
worst night to have a conscience
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
