3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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