i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
