Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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