The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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