i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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