Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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