I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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