You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
