I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
