I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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