3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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