I don't usually arrange sex via text message
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
