There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
