he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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