I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
