watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
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Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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