I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
