I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
