I skipped work to stalk him.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
