Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
