The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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