Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
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Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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