Where is the hickey?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
