I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
