My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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