I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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