so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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