I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
