You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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