she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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