Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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