I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
