my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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