Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
