Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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