What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize