and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
