Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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