it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
