ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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