I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
