he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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