oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
