I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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