Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
