Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
