I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
