My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
