I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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